What would YOU do?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now, what is the moral to this story?[/QUOTE]



Master the phrase, "Yes, Dear", & the old witch'll remove her hair rollers for you before going to bed. ;)

Ron (Been there, done that).

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :p :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

One Month Update...
 

When I originally started this thread, I thought my life had sunk to the lowest it could...I was wrong...the past week has been a living hell...I now know the truth...

The day after I started this thread, she came home from work to find me with my bags packed, ready to go. But, she said she couldn't do it, she wasn't ready to give everything up, and she took me back. And for the next few weeks, things seemed to be going good again. We spent more time together, doing things together, and she started seeing a therapist to try to take care of her own problems, before we would see a marriage counselor to work on our problems. I honestly thought everything was looking brighter...until last Monday.

I came home to what I thought would be another nice evening with my family. I was home for about 15min before she dropped the bomb. She had seen her therapist that day, and he agreed with her, that she needed time alone to figure her own life. So, I packed my clothes, and went to my parents house for the week. It was sheer torture. I didn't see her at all that week, save for the night she had to work and I took care of the girls. But I drove by the house several times a night, and spend every night on the phone with her, crying my heart out, pleading to take me back. I know it probably wasn't the best thing to do, and I know some members here are going to think I'm a pussy for doing it, but it was what I had to do to go on.

Then, she called me at work on Friday. She was ready to work things out with me, permanently, but there was some things I needed to help her feel happier about spending her life with me. She wanted us to buy a motorcycle (I don't like them), wanted us to get tatoos together (hate them too), wanted us to drink together more (not real big on that), and try smoking pot together (hate that the most), and travel more (which is great so long as I'm with my family), among some other easier things. I said the pot was out of the question, but I would work on the rest. But, that was enough for me, I was getting my family back. That was all I cared about. Then, I got the call...

"My name is #### (didn't catch her name because she said it too fast, didn't know her, either). Write this down: 39 **** St. Your wife has been sleeping with another man for several months." *click*

I've never lost it like that in my life. I just said "I need to go" and walked out of work. My entire body was numb, I screamed back home from work, it seemed like an eternity. She wasn't there when I got there, so I went to that street. The only thing I could think about the entire time was how much I was going to enjoy ripping him limb from limb with my bare hands, and the look on her face as she watched. I've never felt sheer rage like that in my life...never. She wasn't there either. I couldn't find the house, but I was just looking for her car. So I called her, and tracked her down.

I'll never forget that look on her face when I asked her was who lived at that house, it told me all I needed to know. We went back home, and spent the rest of the day talking, and screaming, and crying, and getting answers. She admited to me that yes, she had been seeing him, but that he was merely a friend, and nothing more ever happened. But when she said it, she had the exact same look she gave to me all the times in the past I had asked her if there was someone else, something she needed to tell me. I knew there was more she wasn't telling me. But, I was not ready to throw away my family over a simple friendship. So, I agreed to stay, but things would be different. There would be no more ultimatums to me, and we would once and for all seek marriage counseling, and she would be doing this because she loves me, and wants to be with me, no other reasons.

Even thought we had decided to stay together, it was rough. Even though she said they were just friends, it still bothered me, and we still fought about it a lot Friday night and Saturday. The more she talked, the more I became suspicous. She had a concert to go to that night, and when she left, I went to work. I'm not proud of what I did next, but I needed to do it. She forgot her cell phone, so I went through it, and cross referenced all that numbers in it to all the numbers on that street. I found him. And I called him, and he didn't even have the guts to talk to me, he just hung up. But, it gave me an idea, since I now knew who he was. When she got home, I called her bluff. I said I talked to him, and that he said they had slept together. She said either I was lying, or he was, because nothing ever happened. That made me feel a bit better, but something was still wrong. We argued some more, cried some more, then went to sleep.

The next morning was it, what I can dare was is the worst day of my life. I woke up to her fully dressed, telling me she needed to go for a walk, and she left. So of course, I jumped up and went out to wait for her. When she got back, she was noticably upset. I asked why, she said because she's going to miss him, that it's harder than she thought to not think about him. I asked her why, she couldn't answer. The pieces started to fit. I asked her if she loved him, she couldn't answer. I asked her if she loved him more than me, she couldn't answer. I asked her if deep in her heart, without thinking about anything else, me, the kids, her family, did she want to be with him more than me. She couldn't answer...All she would tell me was that if I couldn't deal with it, she would be the one to go this time, not me. She couldn't take everything away from me and my girls, because of her own problems.

Now it had gone beyond sex, and I couldn't deal with it. I spent the next hour telling her that if thats what she wanted, then go, because I couldn't spend my life giving my heart to someone who's heart belonged to someone else. I couldn't live a lie anymore. She didn't say much besides "I don't know" and "Sorry". I lost it again, I took off, I needed to think alone. At some point, I had told her about my rage, and my desire to hurt him. During those times, I also discovered that he had a motorcycle, tatoos, enjoyed drinking, and traveling. Big surprise.

She called me, and told me that I didn't want to confront him, he was a black belt and bigger than me, he'd kick my ass. Besides, he was innocent. Innocent men, real men, don't mess around with married women! I finally said F it!, I'm going to go and prove who was the better man! She told me if I didn't get back home right now, the cops would be waiting for me at his place. Common sense took over again, and I returned, because I promised my girls I would take them to church, and I didn't want to loose the last thing I had over stupidity. But I didn't expect church to be so difficult.

I've never been much of a religious man, I just have my own funny beliefs about God and what not. My wife and girls wanted to go, and I figured if it would help save my family, it was worth it. However, even though we had been a few time, this was the first time I went back to the church we had been married at, since we were married. The last time I was in that building, it was the happiest day of my life, now it was the worst. It didn't help that the sermon was about relationships, and that most everything that was said got me crying again. It also didn't help that her entire family was there, and they knew everything. They were on my side competely, yet were saying nothing, just an uncomfortable, unbearable silence. After I took all I could, I waited outside in the rain for them.

I was just standing in the corner of the parking lot by myself, in tears, and they were all talking to my wife. I over heard my moms-in-law ask her what she was going to do if she left, and I couldn't take it anymore. I turned around and screamed "She's going to go live with her ****ing boyfriend!', and I threw her keys at her, and started walking. They all pleaded for me to come back, but I couldn't, I just had to keep going, I had to walk away. She caught up with me around the corner, but I just kept walking. She said she needed to talk, but I had nothing left so say. I ditched her on a side road, so she called my cell. I shut it off. I just kept walking, for what seemed like an eternity. About 2hrs later, she finally tracked me down, and said she needed to talk to me, that she couldn't let it end like this. So, we talked. She said once again that nothing happened, and that she wanted to rebuild our life. She would never see him again, she would never take off on me again, and we would finally attend marriage couseling together. And this is were I am now.

I am literally shattered in 2 right now, and I have no idea which path to follow. Do I trust the complete stranger that apparently knows more about my life than I do, who at this time is 75% correct, and simply 25% unconfirmed. Or, do I trust my wife, who I love very much, but who has been lying too me for too long, and has hurt me more than anymore else ever could. I simply don't know if I can go on giving someone my heart and soul, when I feel deep down that it belongs to someone else. Will I always feel that when I touch her, or make love to her, that she desires him. I feel right now, from the conversations we've had this weekend, particularly yesterday, that she's just staying with me because it's whats right for the family, and because she doesn't want to cause me anymore pain. But deep down in her heart, I think she loves him more than me, and wants to be with him more than me, even though she says it'll never work between them.

I'm still with her right now, but I don't no how much longer I will be. But for the time being, I'm not going to jeopardize my children's family simply because of hunches and suspicions. I'm just going to take each day at a time, and attend counseling (both marriage and personally) and church, in hopes that they can fix what I have been unable to. And, I'm going to try to track down my good sumaritan, maybe she can give me closure on this, one way or another...

And one more thing, before anyone says it again. Anyone that thinks I'm doing this for pity, or just to whine about it, your wrong. I'm doing this so that those here that have concern for me will know I'm still doing okay, at least as okay as possible. I'm doing to to draw strength and sound advice from those same friends in my greatest time of need. I'm doing it because getting it out is better than keeping it in. And finally, I'm doing it so that if, God forbid, anyone else is in, or should find themselves in this situation, they will be able to also utilize this sound advice, as well as learn from my own mistakes.



CLIFF NOTES: My wife is a dirty, cheating, lying, heartless *****. And now my heart is broken in two, and I don't know which side to listen to...

Jeff....
I feel for you deeply, I can relate somewhat after my incedent, but not the exact same circumstances..

If you ever need to talk, you can give me a ring (606-677-0994 evenings)....or if you need to get away for a while, th eDragon Meet is the weekend after next, and I know there are a couple guys that have room for you, you'd get to drive a great road, and hang with some good people....but it is a long way from Maine..

I'll keep you and your family in my Prayers

Jeff,
First off, it took a lot of guts to post what you just did.
Second, there are a couple of questions that you might want to consider before moving forward:

1. do you - in your heart - love your wife?
2. do you - in your heart - trust your wife?
3. does your wife share your values about raising your kids?
4. does your wife's behavior over the last year reflect the way she has behaved over all the years you've known here or does it reflect a significant change?

Hang in there!
-Bill

wow Jeff,
we all feel for you, I can also somewhat relate to your situation, very closely in fact...it's tough.. the choice I made for myself(the one you have thought about) was that I could not continue to give my life and my heart to someone who could not give me theirs.
You are doing the right thing, therapy and church can help with your feelings, but in the end...be true to yourself...if you stay and try to make it work, will you be miserable and always have those thoughts creeping up in you mind? Or would it be easier to move on and possibly find someone that will be true to you?
The fact that you have children will complicate things, not that children are bad.. but just that they will always be linked to their mother, so you will not be able to put her out of your mind.(I know you love your girls very much)
I too am available for you to talk to, (502-439-5497)
I'll also be at the dragon with huck... and I'm one of the guys there with an extra bed( damn that would be a long drive from maine, but probably worth it)
***CLIFF NOTES*** My sig other was also a dirty, cheating, lying, heartless *****, And my heart WAS broken in two... however, it is mended now, you can survive, you can be happy, you need to be true to yourself.

Thanks. The reason I posted is, like I said, to let evenyone know whats going on, and if my problems can help anyone else, then it will be at least some bright spot on the situation. To answer your questions:

1. Yes, deeply. But, not like I used to. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love her that way again.

2. I'd like to say yes, but deep down, no. Everytime I asked her if she had anything to tell me, she always said no, with the same look on her face. The last time she even swore on our children. Come to find out, she had her fingers crossed. And since I've known about him, ever time I asked if there was anytime more, if she ever slept with him, she said no with the same look on her face. There of course ended up being more (she did end up telling me she has kissed him a few times but nothing any further), so I can't help thinking now that there's still more. And I still can't get over that my good sumaritan specifically said "she's sleeping with him". Everytime I am alone, or try to think, I have her voice screaming in the back of my head. She obviously knew more than I did, so if she didn't know for sure, then why didn't she say "she's seeing someone else", or anything besides "sleeping with him". I just have no reson not to trust her, and no reason to trust my wife.

3. Yes and no. She does share the same moral values, so she says, but she's been the one that hasn't been there for us, any of us, for a long time.

4. Absolutely not. All this first started late last fall, and not matter what I've tried to do, it's only gotten worse. Beofre that, even though we had our problems, she was still a very loving wife. Honestly, the only thing I can relate it to is a mid life crisis.

I honestly don't know right now, but I wish I did. If I had to say right now, then no, I don't think I'll ever get over this. I'm just far too much of an emotional person. If it weren't for my girls, then I would have been gone long before it ever got to this point.

We have a counseling appointment next week, and I'm going to talk to a counseler myself tonite. At this point, no matter the pain, I just can't take my girl's family away from them until I know how I truly feel, and unfortunately, I just can't make a rational decision in the condition I'm in right now.

whenever my wife gets tired of me being in the garage too much messing with cars, or buying stuff for the cars, i tell her that "car guys" don't cheat. if she'd prefer, i could "work late" more often and not spend so much time on the vehicles. ;)

therefore, find a woman who works on cars. :D

just trying to give you a smile. your situation really sucks, and its reprehensible what she did, especially considering you have children. she was being completely selfish - thinking only for herself, and what seemed fun or exciting to her at that moment, and not taking into account how it would affect the rest of her family. if it were me, i would have returned her selfishness kicking her *** to the curb, and moving on. its hard with kids involved, but would they be better off with parents in two different houses, or parents that stayed together and are miserable and don't trust each other?

keep your chin up, and i hope things get better for you in the future.

Jeff,
Okay, #4 is where you start "soul searching".... mid life is a very powerful part of our lives - male and female. I'd strongly suggest you bring up this observation when the two of you go to the counseler, there's something there that neither one of you may even realize right now.
-Bill

I don't know the answer to that either, but it is a big concern me. Her parents were like that, she's basiclly repeating the same mistakes her father did. And my moms-in-law stuck it out, just so they would have a complete family, but it backfired. For the longest time my wife and sis-in-law resented their father for what he had done in the past. Now, my wife resents her mother, because she feels she grew up to be like her. Like I've said before,. I'm just not ready to make that decision without further explaination of what I'm feeling right now.

yeah, give it some time to clear your head and make a rational decision. it is impossible to help over the internet and know all the people, history, and feelings involved, but we're pulling for you to be happy again in the future, no matter which way things turn out. :)

you have to stop the viscous cycle now.if you don't it's probally just gonna get worse instead of better making the future relationship between you and your family even more strained than it already is. i'm not a person to tip toe around peoples feelings and tell them what they want to hear.i'm simply stating facts as i see them and i feel you should end it NOW. your simply letting her drag your emotions through the dirt and soon if not already it will spread to the children and they will more than likely take sides, then more feelings are hurt and hearts broken. i could be wrong as i'm not around your situation but i've been there as a kid when my parents got divorced and i went through it when i separated from my wife. although me and my wife made it through it wasn't as bad as your situation. don't do this to yourself anymore and lose the woman. sorry so harsh, but hate seeing woman do this to men. Good luck

Jeff,
I agree with Bill - it took guts to write what you wrote, but I bet you feel better for doing so.

Man, I really feel for you, and I hate what you are going through. No one should have to go through that.

I know it is VERY difficult to believe her and to trust her again, but I think you are doing the right thing by trying. Give it some time. See how serious she is about staying with you. The next several weeks will tell the tale. A suggestion for you also: Don't YOU leave this time. If anyone leaves, it should be her, and BTW, there are serious legal implications with who packs up and moves out.

Hang tough, Jeff!!
Harry

Thanks Harry, you know I'll always appreciate your kind words.
:)

She has already told me that if I truly cannot make this work, that she will voluntarily go. She has finally admited that this is not my fault, that it is hers, and she said that she cannot hurt me anymroe than she has, or take away anymore than she has. The house, the cars, and most importantly the girls, will be mine. There really is no way I could leave them with her in this situation. She's already started sliding downhill, there's no telling what would happen if I wasn't around.

Bud, no reason to be sorry for being harsh, sometimes thats what it takes to get through to someone.

But, I have a question for you. Do you have any children of your own? If not, then you really have no understanding of the situation, there's no way you can. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, no one will ever know true love until they have children of their own. And those girls are my priority, and come the end of the day, no matter what has happened, I can rest easier knowing I have done right by them.

And that is now what I need to determine, what will be best for my girls. Yes, it very well could be better for them if we separate, that means they'll no longer have to see the fighting or the hurt. I don't want them to end up like my wife and sis-in-law. That is a very unusual circumstance, but entirely possible. Too many times in my own family, I've seen parents seperate, and it destroyed the children, and that's what happens more often than not when parentsd give up too easily because of selfish reasons. My own feeling come second, but yes, deep down, I want to love and trust my wife again like I used to, and vice versa. Now I just need to determine if that will ever be possible.

I just got thinking about something Bill (SVXRide) had said to me in an earlier post: write her a letter expressing your feelings, maybe that will allow her to see things in a different light. Well, unfortunately, I'm not really a very good writer. But, I'm thinking maybe I am, and maybe I already have that letter complete.

I'm highly contemplating printing off this entire thread and leaving it for her to read. It has everything I could possibly put in a letter, plus stuff that you all have made me think about that I would probably never remember for a letter. Plus, maybe some of your responses will get her thinking as it has done for me.

What does everyone think about this? Is it a good idea, or am I only asking for more trouble?

And before anyone says it, yes, some people would be upset to know that all they're problems have been leaked out for the world to see. But she already knows about this thread, and knows that your all important friends to me, and that you all helped me a great deal when I first started this thread.

I would hold off on doing something like that just yet. Wait a little bit to see how things get...better or worse. If there is a little sense of trouble again then I would print it out to show her exactly how you feel. I dont have kids of my own....but I will tell you that no one deserves to go through this kinda stuff...kids or not. Were people and deserve to be respected....you dont have to be with anyone that doesnt respect you. I was a real nice guy before....i got walked on by alot of people. I dont take crap like that anymore. And it has led me to deal with stressful situations better. I sent you a PM Jeff...gimme a ring whenever!

Jeff,

It will be interesting to see how the counseling goes for the two of you. And isn't it great how many friends you have here? Nothing to be ashamed of, leaking your problems out to the world. A wise man seeks the counsel of ALL his friends. The shame would be to walk alone without any support.

The bottom line is this: You seem to be ready, willing and able to do whatever it takes to have a better marriage and family. The question is, Is she READY, WILLING and ABLE? You can't do it for her. She must be ready, she must be willing and she must be able. Otherwise, you are in for endless heartache.

And honestly, a woman ready to give up her house, cars and kids over the guilt of a kiss? I'm not really sure about that. Perhaps the guilt of giving her heart [and soul] to another without a desire to turn back to her husband or family, well that I could understand.

So, your next move is based on the truth in her heart. The loving thing for you to do for her and for the girls may be to find her another place to live. Also, a female attorney told me once that a surprizingly large number of people that file for divorce don't go through with it. The reality of the situation strikes deep. It may be in your best interest to file for divorce. It would show that even though this is not what you want, you respect her wish to be free, if that is her desire. This is a bit more serious than an appointment for counseling, but may help you to resolve the situation one way or the other.

I realize that this won't be fun or easy. I faced this a couple years ago. At the time, I felt that the day I served my wife papers was the best and the worst day of my life. Interesting, from today's perspective, that observation brings a big smile, not a frown. Life is very good. It was a good day indeed.

Frankly, Jeff, I would not print off the entire thread for your wife to read. For a couple of reasons:
1) she "may" resent you sharing so much with your friends and not her (at least initially)
2) I think a letter would have more impact on (and meaning to) her, because it would be something you obviously had to sit down and put some thought into.

Just my thoughts - But I would write the letter regardless. Just writing the letter will focus your thoughts and feeling about the situation, and you's feel much better whether you give it to here or not.

Harry

From 1987 till 2001, I was living with, and then faithfully married to the mother of my children, and the woman I was in love with ...I can now only use this term in the past tense...

And trust me, I am WAY past tense!!!!!!

After a time, she was admitedly and actively "dating",
it is not easy to admit that you have chosen badly.

I gave her time to reconsider, to come to her senses, to come back to me.

It did not happen.

I took the high road.

It is very rocky, the air is thin, there are many dangers along it's path, unseen by those who have not traveled it's length.

It is easy to fall.

It would be easier than to keep going.

But you have babies.

So you have to keep going.

Be strong, in two years things will be different..

Well...thanks for all your help guys..but it's over...

She finally admited tonite that she did indeed have an affair with him. And I just can't go on living my life with her knowing that...

Thanks again everyone.

I'm really sorry to hear that man. Were all here for you. When i was going through relationship problems thats the ONLY thing that helped me get through the tough times. Just knowing that i had people there for me. Ya gotta remember one thing....keep your head up and be strong. Your kids are going to need you to be that way. Before my dad passed away when i was 12 that was the one thing he kept telling me on his deathbed. He always would look at me when i left his hospital room and he would say " no matter what happens you must always move on and keep being strong...you will thank yourself later" and you know what its true....because i tried my hardest to be strong i am such a better person today. I feel like i can deal with almost anything and im only 20 yrs old. I cant even imagine how rough this is for you but thats really the only thing i can say because i cant put myself in your situation. Just take a deep breath and take it day by day and be strong.

You know a girl that was seeing at work played me. Its funny how our work schedules worked out so that after everything went down we never saw eachother. But tomrorow im gonna be working with her in the store in the morning. And everytime ive seen her at work since stuff went down she acts like nothing ever happened....tried to act nice and smile all the time. And im like WTF nothing is the same and never cant be. I cant go on trying to be her friend and be nice to her knowing what she did to me u know. She doesnt seem to get that though. So just to be the nice guy that I am I just smile and say hello....i REALLY liked her alot....sometimes i think i cant just stop talking to her because i enjoyed being with her so much. I guess little by little things will get back to normal.

Jeff,
I'm glad you have come to a decision, may it be the best for you(and more importantly, your girls) I know this has been and still is hard on you, but hang tough.. you have a support group here some 3000 strong and growing. We will continur to be here for you and I will be praying hard for you the next few months.. I know first hand they can be hell, but after it really is over and done, you can start healing and moving on.. and THAT is a great feeling. Might I suggest keep going to church as well. Many churches also have support groups and counselors that are more than happy to talk to you and pray with you. Take care or yourself and keep us in the loop, we are very much here(this thread) specifically for you.

Jeff

After reading your post, I am numb to the core. It sounds much like what I went through. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree that it took a lot of courage to write that. I can tell where you are coming from and the hurt that you are feeling. You are in my prayers and I hope you can come to some solution to this. Just remember that there are some true friends here even though some of us have not met face to face.

This is my first time reading this thread, and as a young man (very young man, aged 20), all I can say is that it struck me pretty hard. I do not mean to thread-hijack in anyway, but I am going through something quite similar at this point in time.

My situation is less complex, as my significant other and myself do not have any children, or a house, or a marriage. However, we have been together for 2.5 years, we've been through thick and thin, and I love her dearly.

We have had a functional long-distance relationship for more than 6 months. We have survived her distant schooling during the summers. I have left a great career to move back home to her. We have left home together to live and grow with each other in Seattle.

I would give anything to have our love for each other stay for the rest of time. But things have been thick and cloudy and dangerous lately.

She has always had a problem with other boys being attracted to her. It is other guy, after other guy, after other guy. And for some reason, despite my disapproval, she still hangs out with these guys... These guys who, if not for their initial "like" for my lover, would not give the slightest of a care for her. She would just be another girl to them - both unattended-to and uncared-for.

There has been one guy, though, that has been increasingly troublesome. It used to be that I did not trust the boys she was with, but recently it turned to me not trusting her.

She was at his house one night until 5:30 am.

She was there the next night until 1:30 am.

A week later she lied to me about where she was, stating she was with one of her other friends (who is gay), but she was actually with this boy... Until about 1:30 am.

We argued about this guy. We have argued about all the stupid guys here and there. I told her that if she "can't be all about me, I don't know how it will be a two-way street." Her response was to leave the room, and sleep in her own bed that night: In other words, she was actually offended that I said that.

Anyway, not long thereafter I told her "I am unsure how much longer I can date a person who treats me like this." Through all the wonderful times and the bad times, despite all my incredible love for her, it has to come to this. I said that I did not want to leave her, because I love her more than anything or anyone else in my life, but she is not giving me many options...

Anyhow, **** has been really really difficult, as we do live together in an apartment. On top of it, we both know that this crap shouldn't be happening, so we are still acting as though we are "dating." Hugging, kissing, sleeping in the same bed, watching movies together, going out to dinner, etc.

I think it is ultimately because she agrees with me. She has openly agreed that she was being ridiculous, and that I deserve better treatment. She thinks that she is the selfish one, and that she needs time on her own - without someone to depend on - so that she can be "scared." So that she can experience what it is like without someone like me. So that she can realize what she has taken for granted.

It sounds great and all, and almost as though we have worked things out as much as possible, but how do you trust a girl who is at a boy's house, one who likes her nonetheless, all the damn time? How do you look at her the same, whether she has had a meaningful affair or not? How can you come to grips with the situation, when the ****ing bastard sends her flowers immediately after the breakup? How do you refrain from killing the man, when everytime he wants to see her for a "quick minute," she does nothing but comply?

These are all things that I ask myself everyday. Things that I ask myself with the best of intentions for the both of us, not just for myself.

My situation is a smidgen better than yours, sorry to compare, but I do understand what you are going through. Both through this relationship, and a lesser one whereupon I was cheated.

I am deeply sorry, and despite the obvious differences, I feel as though I can relate. My love goes to you and your wife and your children. Take care of yourself. I'm trying my hardest, and everyday it seems to hurt more and less... Better at times, worse at others. Take it easy, take a vacation, and learn to love yourself without your significant other. These are the steps I have been told to take, and I will of course pass them on.

Speaking of vacation, that is exactly what I am doing... It's what we're both doing. I am going back to my parents house in CA for the summer. All my things are going into storage, and I am not going to work for a few months. I need to relax. I need to forget about food. Forget about rent. Forget about having to be on time. Forget about this meeting and that deadline. My life needs some order, and I think that is an excellent place to start (at least for a young'n like me).

Once again, take care, and all my love and thoughts and empathy go to you. If you ever want to call and talk, please do not be afraid. I would very much like to hear from you. (206) 295-9789

- Garrett

Right now, the hardest part, and most dangerest part is, that, if she should ask to come back into my life, like she was hinting at on the phone last night, I honestly don't know what I would say. People make mistakes, and have managed to rebound from them.

I guess what it really comes down to is trust and love. Will I ever be able to trust her again unless I'm with her every waking second? Probably not. And will she ask to come back because she loves me, and no other reason? Probably not.

Still, it haunts me...

Definitely don't let her come back right away, make her wait a while and see if here attitude changes any over a bit of time, if she REALLY wants to come back, she'll wait a while and give YOU time to decide what you want to do, I made my wife wait about a month when she started saying she wanted to come back, as I was unsure of weather or not it was a good ideal to take her back, as I REALLY didn't want to have to go through her leaving again...but she stayed persistant, and stuck to wanting to come back without wavering, so I finaly decided it was worth the chance, but could tell from her actions, she truely wanted to be back.

You're in my prayer, hope everything works out for the best, which may, or may not be with her.

The most difficult part of that, which I haven't really discussed yet, is that no matter what ends up happening, I'm going to have to see her everyday, for God only knows how long. I work 50hrs a week, and I can't be here to sent them to school, or be here when they get home. And unfortunately, she's the only person I have to fall back on for these duties.

Having to see her everyday is going to make the healing process that much more difficult. Much like now, I won't know whether to kiss her or slap her. And regardless of what may happen, there is no possible way I could ever forgive her for this. She violated me in a way no person ever should. I just need to wait it out, and see what emotion is stongest. But, I have a feeling I know which one...

What is it with girls nowdays??? :confused: I mean damn..... Aren't guys suppose to be the unstable ones that are always looking at other people... Apparently not nowdays... EVERY girlfriend that I have had (Except my last one) has cheated on me :(:(.... It really really hurts to see someone that you really care about (dare I say love?) just completly disregard your feelings and turn their back on you. I made that comment about "Love" because I don't believe that I have ever been "in love" before... My belief is that Love is a shaired feeling... One person can't be "in love"... That would be "in Lust"... Anyway... I just can't believe girls nowdays... :(:( They seem to want to not commit as much as the guys (of course there are exceptions)... I don't think I will get married anytime soon :rolleyes: .... I feel that I need to really live with a girl for a while before we took a step like that... It is so important to really know your spouse nowdays :(... I don't know... I'm just rambling now... Good luck man... Just try to make it as easy on your kids as possible... Be there for them... Don't tell them that "mommy is a dirty *****" or something like that... That can do so muchj damage to kids down the road... Hell, that's what my mom told me when my parents split up :(:( You'll be alright man... We are here for ya :)

Jeff,
Just take your time. A bummer, for sure, but I would suggest the what Huck mentioned. She has got to WANT to come back for all the right reasons before you accept her back.
Our prayers and thoughts are with you, Jeff! Do hang tough, and take care of those girls - and please don't bad-mouth their mother to them. That would be terrible for them in the long run.
Harry

Jeff,
I'm with Harry on both points.
-Bill

Too late, she already has it in her hands. I figured at this point, what more damage could be done.

I'm so confused at this point, more than anything. I still don't know what to do with myself. I still want her back, dearly. People have made it throuth this before, so I know it can be done. I just know that I'll never be able to forgive her, despite whats happens. Plus, I'm afraid that everytime I touch her, or hold her, I'll feel him.

I think at this point, I'm at least going to try going to marriage counseling with her, just for the sake of it. Just give it some time, and see where life and my emotions lead me. Even after this, deep down, I don't think I'm ready to give her up. But, she will need to realize that I can't forgive her, and still me able to love me before I can take her back. And I don't think that will happen.

And yes, I know there are several of you that think I'm making the wrong decision, that I'm only asking for more trouble. And, you maybe right. Only time will tell. And I have a lot of time right now, so what will a few weeks of marriage counseling really hurt? Deep down, I have to follow what my heart tells me to.

just hang in there and do what you feel is right.



yay! i got post number 40,000 in not exactly svx!

Jeff,
DO NOT worry about what other people might think about your decisions. It is YOU that have to live with them, not someone else. You have to do what you think is right, and I am certain that you have your girls in mind more than yourself, and that's good!!

Do what your heart tells you. But don't say you will never forgive her. Forgiving can be very good for the soul.

Harry

Wow man, reading this is bringing up all those feelings again. I know EXACTLY how you feel. :(

I know how you feel about everything you do now on with her. Is it just things that the other guy did to make her like him? I felt (and still feel a little) like all these new things she tells me or wants me to do are all things she got from him. It would have been fine if she just came out and told me before but....now, knowing what I know, I feel like she is just trying to make me more like him. And it makes it hard to go along with, I want to do these things to make her happy and make our relationship better, but I just feel like I'm trying to be him to keep her from feeling like she needs to go back.

Even after I found out and told her it had to end, I found messages and calls to him on her phone, so I had to yell at her agian. She said she wasn't doing anything with him now but he was still a freind. I told her that would have been fine if she never slept with him but now it had to be non of him or non of me. She seems to have straitened out and got it together, I haven't found any evidence of her comunicating with him but they do work in the same building so I can't prove it. :rolleyes:

It's been awile now since that happened and things really are better between us now. Still there is always that uneasy feeling that what happened once could happen again, and I feel like I need to try harder all the time now becouse "he" is still out there and I'm sure ready to be a shoulder to cry on if needed. :mad:

Anyway, Jeff I think you still got my number if you want to talk. It's still pretty fresh in my mind. ;)

Jeff,
Jesse hit on a lot of good points that, while painful, are important for all us "males" out here....
1. Relationships do evolve as we "change" over time....part of keeping your relationship strong and "together" is recognizing this fact and doing things to continue to grow together instead of apart. How many divorces do we all know about that are based on the husband and wife being "different from the one I married"??
2. We (males) are our own worst enemies in many cases...I would venture (not having had the time to see if there are actually any concrete study results in this area) that the majority of males - faced with a beautiful female - do not immediately think to ask her what it is that she's having issues with in her relationship and suggest ways that she can improve things with her husband. We just had a family in our neighborhood break up due to the wife hooking up with the husband's best friend! :mad: :mad: Kinda makes you want to apologize for the male gender....
3. Trust is built over time and, once broken, takes even longer to rebuild. Communication becomes even more important in these instances.

-Bill

In my case, I had that happen and it was trust that got me in that situation. I thought something was wrong, and "trusted" and I shouldn't have.

I have had 2 women have affairs on me and afterwards they said that it wasn't me, it was them. They thought they wanted something different. :mad:

I have learned one thing from this - Men marry a woman wanting them to stay the same, and women marry a man and want them to change. Women change, and men don't. That is where most of our problems start. :(